The following is the American Federal Aviation Authority's notes on John Magee's poem 'High Flight' (which he wrote on the back of an envelope after his first solo in a Spitfire).

Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth⁽¹⁾,
And danced⁽²⁾ the skies on laughter silvered wings;
Sunward I've climbed⁽³⁾ and joined the tumbling mirth⁽⁴⁾
Of sun-split clouds⁽⁵⁾ and done a hundred things⁽⁶⁾
You have not dreamed of -- Wheeled and soared and swung⁽⁷⁾
High in the sunlit silence⁽⁸⁾. Hov'ring there⁽⁹⁾
I've chased the shouting wind⁽¹⁰⁾ along and flung
My eager craft through footless halls of air.⁽¹¹⁾
Up, up the long delirious⁽¹²⁾, burning blue
I've topped the wind-swept heights⁽¹³⁾ with easy grace,
Where never lark, or even eagle⁽¹⁴⁾ flew;
And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod 
The high untrespassed sanctity of space⁽¹⁵⁾,
Put out my hand⁽¹⁶⁾, and touched the face of God.

NOTE:

1. Pilots must insure that all surly bonds have been slipped entirely before aircraft taxi or flight is attempted.
2. During periods of severe sky dancing, crew and passengers must keep seatbelts fastened. Crew should wear shoulderbelts as provided.
3. Sunward climbs must not exceed the maximum permitted aircraft ceiling.
4. Passenger aircraft are prohibited from joining the tumbling mirth.
5. Pilots flying through sun-split clouds under VFR conditions must comply with all applicable minimum clearances.
6. Do not perform these hundred things in front of Federal Aviation Administration inspectors.
7. Wheeling, soaring, and swinging will not be attempted except in aircraft rated for such activities and within utility class weight limits.
8. Be advised that sunlit silence will occur only when a major engine malfunction has occurred.
9. "Hov'ring there" will constitute a highly reliable signal that a flight emergency is imminent.
10. Forecasts of shouting winds are available from the local FSS. Encounters with unexpected shouting winds should be reported by pilots.
11. Pilots flinging eager craft through footless halls of air are reminded that they alone are responsible for maintaining separation from other eager craft.
12. Should any crewmember or passenger experience delirium while in the burning blue, submit an irregularity report upon flight termination.
13. Windswept heights will be topped by a minimum of 1,000 feet to maintain VFR minimum separations.
14. Aircraft engine ingestion of, or impact with, larks or eagles should be reported to the FAA and the appropriate aircraft maintenance facility.
15. Aircraft operating in the high untresspassed sanctity of space must remain in IFR flight regardless of meteorological conditions and visibility.
16. Pilots and passengers are reminded that opening doors or windows in order to touch the face of God may result in loss of cabin pressure.

'The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot. They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.'

• Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."
• Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate."

(The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops)
 
• Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
• Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."
• Ground (with typical German impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"
• Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop".

Anonymous

This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the HelpDesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause". This is actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee:

"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"....... Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power failure."

"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer."

This was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas web site by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humour. The company, of course, does not (have a sense of humour) and made the web department take it down immediately:

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order
to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out
the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is
not required, but the information will help us to develop new products
that best meet your needs and desires."

 1. [_] Mr.  [_] Mrs.  [_] Ms.  [_] Miss  [_] Lt. [_] Gen.  [_] Comrade
    [_] Classified  [_] Other

 First Name: .....................................................
 Initial:    ........
 Last Name:  ......................................................
 Password:   .............................. (max 8 char)
 Code Name:  ......................................................
 Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ...........  ...........  ..........

 2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
  [_] F-14 Tomcat
  [_] F-15 Eagle
  [_] F-16 Falcon
  [_] F-117A Stealth
  [_] Classified

 3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19....... / ....... /......

 4. Serial Number:................................................

 5. Please check where this product was purchased:
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  [_] Catalog showroom
  [_] Independent arms broker
  [_] Mail order
  [_] Discount store
  [_] Government surplus
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 6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product
 you have just purchased:
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  [_] Store display
  [_] Espionage
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  [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
  [_] Was attacked by one

 7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your
 decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
  [_] Style / appearance
  [_] Speed / maneuverability
  [_] Price / value
  [_] Comfort / convenience
  [_] Kickback / bribe
  [_] Recommended by salesperson
  [_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
  [_] Advanced Weapons Systems
  [_] Backroom politics
  [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

 8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
  [_] North America
  [_] Iraq
  [_] Central / South America
  [_] Iraq
  [_] Aircraft carrier
  [_] Iraq
  [_] Europe
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  [_] Middle East (not Iraq)
  [_] Iraq
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  [_] Iraq
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  [_] Iraq
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  [_] Iraq
  [_] Classified
  [_] Iraq

 9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to
 purchase in the near future:
  [_] Colour TV
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  [_] Killer Satellite
  [_] CD Player
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  [_] Space Shuttle
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 10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all
 that apply:)
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 11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
  [_] Deficit spending
  [_] Cash
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 12. Your occupation:
  [_] Homemaker
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  [_] Eccentric billionaire
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 13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate
 the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy
 participating on a regular basis:
  [_] Golf
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  [_] Sabotage
  [_] Running / jogging
  [_] Propaga
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  [_] Default on loans
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  [_] Crafts
  [_] Black market / smuggling
  [_] Collectibles / collections
  [_] Watching sports on TV
  [_] Wines
  [_] Interrogation / torture
  [_] Household pets
  [_] Crushing rebellions
  [_] Espionage / reconnaissance
  [_] Fashion clothing
  [_] Border disputes
  [_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your
answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas
serve you better in the future -- as well as allowing you to receive
mailings and special offers from other companies, governments,
extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for resnding to
this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our
Desert Thunder Sweepstakes! Comments or suggestions about our fighter
planes? Please write to:
 
 McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
 Marketing Department
 Military Aerospace Division